Confession No. 20: I am not in Control

I know it has been a while since my last confession. The past year, I decided to go a more direct route since online is not the right place for all my confessions. Don’t worry they were kind of boring, nothing juicy. You have heard the saying ”if you want to make God laugh, make a plan”. So if you have even read any of my postings you know I had a vision, a plan for my life, my future. Life has a way of reminding you that you are not in control of all things. The beauty of such a journey and my confession for today are that I am better for it. True growth comes not from the adversity, but with the actions and decisions you make in the midst and to follow the bump. My life has gone through a transformation in just about every way in the past year. It is always easy to look back in the rearview mirror and see things that you stuffed away, ignored or denied. For years, the wind was changing, many external, the economy, and shifts of influence and there was a hole in my life that I was trying so hard to fill with things, activities and escapes. Even the things that were right were thrown off balance by the hole. Its only natural to seek equilibrium eventually and some things seem to suffer. For true peace we need a balance of priorities of being a good mate, mother, work, body, mind and soul. From an outsider’s perspective, I would look ridiculous complaining, a husband who appeared to the world that he was dedicated and loving, two beautiful children, two businesses, all the worldly possessions, extravagant trips. I worked really hard to keep that picture up for all around me. It kept me from looking at the real picture. This past year, Daniel and I decided to end our marriage after 24 years. It was not that we didn’t try to save the family we built; we worked for over 5 years with a therapist to help us come back together. Finally there was not enough to keep going. We were hurting each other and our children were caught in the rollercoaster. It does not matter the fault, the blame. Behind the picture, was chaos and people just trying to hang on. I relate to the process of making homemade mayo, or aioli. You start with an egg white, and then add olive oil. So many things can go wrong, and if you don’t have enough egg white, it won’t be solid. Sometimes, with two people you can just run out of egg white. Since our marriage ended, I have taken the time to reflect, cry, get angry, forgive, heal and the parts of me that I love have resurfaced and the past is just that. The plan of our family has changed, it will be different, not sure how it will turn out…but I know that the opportunity is there for many great memories that have yet to happen. I don’t spend energy worrying now, about how it will be, because I love my life, each day is such a blessing. I have learned how to live today and that peace is amazing. My days are filled with reaching out, being thankful, trying each day to do some random act of kindness. I am honoring the body I was given by exercising and thinking about what I am putting in it. I spent time each day to be still, and just be. Before, life was so chaotic that I couldn’t be the parent I wanted to be. This priority is back in place. My family and friends around me are enjoyed and valued; I can now be there for them as they were there for me when I needed them. What matters is that the family deserves to have peace, and respect. My kids see me happy now, and they have peace. A friend recently said to me that the highest degree of respect to someone is when a person is themselves and is responsible, honest, forthright and caring in their communication. This posting is just that, so in my personal life, and with my business, that is my commitment. So I confess that I am not in control, no big deal…life will unfold. We will laugh, love and share as it unfolds.