Confession No. 8: I am like a Tea Bag

Sounds nice at first glance, your favorite cup, a comfy chair, maybe today you will have Oolong. This is not what I am talking about.

Life sometimes does not go as planned. This reminds me of a joke Daniel repeats often, if you want to make God laugh, make a plan. We have expectations of how it will go and then zammo, we get a road block. Just slightly more difficult than the Amazing Race on TV. The kind of road block that seems insurmountable. You start seeing everything, work, maybe family, that it is all going horribly down. Yesterday I listened to Tony Robbins and he talked about a man Mr. V who was born without arms and legs, how the heck did get up when he fell down? How did he feel better when life supposedly sucked. Tony Robbins went on to talk about the steps to change...first he talked about feeding the mind. Reading everything whenever you had a chance.

Well, I don't think he meant my horoscope, but it was something powerful for me the other day. It said that shadows grow long and large when the sun hangs low in the sky. The illusions you witness are likely to be impressive distortions. Reserve judgement for tomorrow, when you are able to see everything in a more realistic light.

This morning, at 5am, the sun is sharing itself and I am appreciative of that. Last nights shadows are smaller. I look down at my cup of steaming hot brew, thinking of my plan (God laughes)as the challenges I am to confront today are still there but I am like that tea bag I get stronger in hot water.

Tonight I feed my mind, then on to Tony's next step and the shadows will hang a bit smaller.

Confession No. 7: Everyday I Am Learning

Whether it is twitter, a connection on facebook, a magazine article, a person I run into during the day. I am so fortunate to have gained insight, knowledge, understanding. Like a piece of bread soaking up the sauce, I keep the crust from stopping it. I am reading books, magazines, listening to another mentor on a CD, attending seminars. My business team is a great source of information.

I learned I have two new widgets on my website, I am still not even close to reaching my fullest potential. Anyone want to learn with me?

Click on here to see my interactive catalog! (cool videos clips too!)

Confession No. 6: Not Worthy

I felt bad when someone complimented me, like it was a fluke, an accident or they just didn't know me. Wow, where did that come from? When I did well in school, the test was too easy. If I reached a goal, it wasn't good enough, or I made mistakes along the way. Next time I would do it better. Complicating this distortion was this fear as a kid that good things only came for so long, then something bad was bound to happen. Well my childhood went along like something out of Rockwell, so I am convinced I had been trying to sabotage things, so that I could get the bad out of the way and go on living enjoying the good coming my way. Maybe I did this because I thought that somehow I did not deserve all this, but now I know it was fear based.

I had a Eureka moment, maybe because I turned 50 this year and looking in the rear view mirror; it has been an amazing ride so far. I guess I am mature enough, confident enough to see that it wasn't luck at all. I worked damn hard for where I am, if I hit a bump, I kept going, resilient, flexible and all the while with a smile to share. But this is not all about me...it never is. My life, my success is filled and enjoyed because of the people that have shared the ride.

Confession No. 5: I need others!

How vain to think we got to where we are by ourselves, what we accomplished. Well, I know without a doubt that I need others!

I can't fix my pool, I need help in my store, my family is always there. Oh... don't get me started but I am so thankful for my husband. My kids well, thank goodness they still need me.

In my other business, it thrives with teamwork and we are all working towards the same thing. This enables to work smarter not harder.

Today I am very grateful for the other people in my life.

Confession No. 4: Houston we have a problem...

Sitting here, in the quiet of Sunday in early October, my daughter is sleeping and Daniel and my son are away on a camping trip with 15 boys and some other dads. I hear the bubbling water from the fountain steps from my window next to my desk. At fifty years of age, I feel like I have lived several lives. Each life, knowing it was me, but somehow I feel like an outer body experience looking down on what I used to be, the memories like flashing pictures in a music video.

I got lost for a while in the superficial stuff that we are all victims of to some degree. Demanding more things, bigger house, paying a price later with heavy debt. Eight years ago my husband and I decided that to help the family, I should go back to work. Since I was still quite spoiled, I wanted work that would allow me my freedom, to be able volunteer at the school, have lunch with my husband. I found a position worked flexible hours, but tough, sales is sales. Oh, let me not forget I had bosses, expectations of production, corporate meetings, rejection, all this for a commission only position. I was good as my last sale, hero for an hour. I was a junkie hooked on just one more job. I was my employers dream. I worked like I was the best thing that happened to them. I became a prima donna, I cut back my schedule, ( too be with my kids) I was that good!

The economy tanked, our home expenses were way to high, with the few leads I got, I couldn't close them. I started owing my company money. My husbands business was struggling. We had a difficult time excepting the change, we kept saying this will get better in a couple of months, we just have to ride this through.

Our current plan was faulted, we had to create inflows, we checked out business ideas. We have never been afraid of work. We started one MLM firm, beautiful marketing, loved our sponsor and his family. Problem just one product, and we had to stock it to get a better price. We had to hit up all our friends and families, nice product but not everyone sees the value in a bottle of juice for $40. We loved the idea, but still searching. We found another company, kind of a profit sharing business model, nifty business model consuming products we all use, but they were 2nd and 3rd tier companies that were trying other means to increase their market share. We had to make a list of people we knew, then go to hotels for meetings, have in-homes, every week, away from my kids.

The goal to be with my kids was drifting away again.

Confession No. 3: Acceptance

Twenty three years with one person is a journey. You go through the euphoria of a new relationship, the discovery, the passion. I remember the heart beating so fast when I would travel from the west coast to be in his arms again.

I had the strength and the youth to overcome all obstacles of a blended family and the hopes that his children would accept me as family. Life was grand, indulgent and without limits. My life was an adventure, such a change from growing up in Idaho. My man was so different from the boys back home. We traveled, enjoyed cold tecates on the beaches of Mexico, coffee in sidewalk cafes in Paris, discovering places away from the tourists in Italy. Was it always a fun ride, no we had the real side of life reminding us that all was not perfect. His children were going through a rough ride from his divorce. I remained on the outside, not to interfere but to be supportive when he needed me.

Our love became solid, based on common dreams and desires to be together and strong. We worked together, played together, accomplished amazing things because of our strength.

We waited until his youngest was on the way to college before I had my own children. We both decided the complications would cause negative feelings that at a younger age, they were not as emotionally mature to accept and realize their father's love was not something to be divided, but shared.

It took twenty three years to accept that I may never have the relationship with my step kids that I hoped for. I have accepted that fact that the indulgent life style was a way to keep the passion of our younger selves going. This was unnecessary, because the passion was not realized through the lavish way we lived, this just was loading heavy stones in our pack packs, making the journey more difficult to climb. This was layered over our passion, now deeper but still there. My confession is the acceptance that all things are not perfect, and should not be and I can't control what happens, just how I will react to what does happen. This imperfection should be celebrated because this is what the passion of life and its unpredictability. It is the true adventure.

Confession No. 2: Woman to Woman

Growing up, my relationships with my sisters in family and life have been something I needed to cultivate and trust. My first bond was with my mom, I am lucky and grateful for this and trust her without question. She is who I measure all other women in my life.

In school, I was considered awkward, clumsy(the last to be picked on the teams in PE),I remember one classmate, she would kick me in the shins during recess. Another classmate became a blood sister with a finger prick and a promise of trust. Then at nine years at age the second single most important female came into my life. I wished for a baby sister on my last birthday candle wish. I thought is was divine intervention, my mom thought it was a contraception malfunction, I now believe it was both.

Friends came in and out of my life, was there something wrong with me? Why did I not have the type of female friend that I saw in the movies. The answer is quite clear as I look in the rear view mirror, a pattern becomes apparent. When men came into my life, I would become all in, consumed, no time for my existing friendships. It was only when the relationship failed that I would feel the need, the lonely void to reconnect with my friends that more cases than not moved on to someone deserving of their time and trust. I quit on them, not the other way around.

My life now is centered, of course with its obstacles and challenges. I have my mom, my sister and my extended sisters; wishing I had more time to spend with them. My family is my core, my businesses which give me the opportunity to be with my family, to give them the things they need to grow and flourish, to travel. Then there are my friendships that we come together to bond,to share, to laugh, cry, and see a chick flick. Our families get together whenever our busy schedules allow, knowing the value of the years they have shared since kindergarten now going into middle school.

My sister has taught me the importance of the bond of woman to woman. There are some things only another woman can understand and the strength we can give each other. I have always had the gift of this relationship, I just haven't been appreciative and grateful.

My goal is to share this wealth, woman to woman; personally, and in work. Now my goal come full circle with the most precious new woman in my life, my daughter.

Confession No. 1: Looking Back

My Journey starts here for all intent and purposes. I am digging deep, looking in the mirror, facing my demons, my past, my fears for the first time in years. I am opening myself up, vulnerable to the world, but now open to what comes next.

I have always protected myself, with not following through. Why? Failure was not because of me. Somehow, it was outside forces, not the right time, not enough time, kids should be a little bit older. It was better to stay in the safe world, get a job, collect a check, get my health benefits. Only when I had the strength of my husband, did I move from my comfort zone. I am writing this because I fear I am not alone with this. My journey thus far was necessary as it was the only way to bring me here, right now. If I can help one other person today, I will accomplish reaching out of myself, thinking only of myself and whats in it for me.

I was raised in an upper middle class family, always close to my family. My parents are loving, honest, strong, with excellent work ethics. They are humble to a fault, not deserving of the best. It makes them uncomfortable. But their drive, determination and love for their children is undeniable. We thought small, we kept safe, isolated, anything new, different was feared. As the siblings grew up, so did our geographical zone. One took on the world without fear, going ceaselessly for what he wanted. Another, stayed close going for his dreams in another way, a simpler way, a kind way.

My turn next...my husband says to me that when he met me, he came to a tipping point in his life. He saw the bus, he had a choice to let it pass by or to jump on the bus. He was that bus for me. Hang on!