Twenty three years with one person is a journey. You go through the euphoria of a new relationship, the discovery, the passion. I remember the heart beating so fast when I would travel from the west coast to be in his arms again.
I had the strength and the youth to overcome all obstacles of a blended family and the hopes that his children would accept me as family. Life was grand, indulgent and without limits. My life was an adventure, such a change from growing up in Idaho. My man was so different from the boys back home. We traveled, enjoyed cold tecates on the beaches of Mexico, coffee in sidewalk cafes in Paris, discovering places away from the tourists in Italy. Was it always a fun ride, no we had the real side of life reminding us that all was not perfect. His children were going through a rough ride from his divorce. I remained on the outside, not to interfere but to be supportive when he needed me.
Our love became solid, based on common dreams and desires to be together and strong. We worked together, played together, accomplished amazing things because of our strength.
We waited until his youngest was on the way to college before I had my own children. We both decided the complications would cause negative feelings that at a younger age, they were not as emotionally mature to accept and realize their father's love was not something to be divided, but shared.
It took twenty three years to accept that I may never have the relationship with my step kids that I hoped for. I have accepted that fact that the indulgent life style was a way to keep the passion of our younger selves going. This was unnecessary, because the passion was not realized through the lavish way we lived, this just was loading heavy stones in our pack packs, making the journey more difficult to climb. This was layered over our passion, now deeper but still there. My confession is the acceptance that all things are not perfect, and should not be and I can't control what happens, just how I will react to what does happen. This imperfection should be celebrated because this is what the passion of life and its unpredictability. It is the true adventure.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Confession No. 2: Woman to Woman
Growing up, my relationships with my sisters in family and life have been something I needed to cultivate and trust. My first bond was with my mom, I am lucky and grateful for this and trust her without question. She is who I measure all other women in my life.
In school, I was considered awkward, clumsy(the last to be picked on the teams in PE),I remember one classmate, she would kick me in the shins during recess. Another classmate became a blood sister with a finger prick and a promise of trust. Then at nine years at age the second single most important female came into my life. I wished for a baby sister on my last birthday candle wish. I thought is was divine intervention, my mom thought it was a contraception malfunction, I now believe it was both.
Friends came in and out of my life, was there something wrong with me? Why did I not have the type of female friend that I saw in the movies. The answer is quite clear as I look in the rear view mirror, a pattern becomes apparent. When men came into my life, I would become all in, consumed, no time for my existing friendships. It was only when the relationship failed that I would feel the need, the lonely void to reconnect with my friends that more cases than not moved on to someone deserving of their time and trust. I quit on them, not the other way around.
My life now is centered, of course with its obstacles and challenges. I have my mom, my sister and my extended sisters; wishing I had more time to spend with them. My family is my core, my businesses which give me the opportunity to be with my family, to give them the things they need to grow and flourish, to travel. Then there are my friendships that we come together to bond,to share, to laugh, cry, and see a chick flick. Our families get together whenever our busy schedules allow, knowing the value of the years they have shared since kindergarten now going into middle school.
My sister has taught me the importance of the bond of woman to woman. There are some things only another woman can understand and the strength we can give each other. I have always had the gift of this relationship, I just haven't been appreciative and grateful.
My goal is to share this wealth, woman to woman; personally, and in work. Now my goal come full circle with the most precious new woman in my life, my daughter.
In school, I was considered awkward, clumsy(the last to be picked on the teams in PE),I remember one classmate, she would kick me in the shins during recess. Another classmate became a blood sister with a finger prick and a promise of trust. Then at nine years at age the second single most important female came into my life. I wished for a baby sister on my last birthday candle wish. I thought is was divine intervention, my mom thought it was a contraception malfunction, I now believe it was both.
Friends came in and out of my life, was there something wrong with me? Why did I not have the type of female friend that I saw in the movies. The answer is quite clear as I look in the rear view mirror, a pattern becomes apparent. When men came into my life, I would become all in, consumed, no time for my existing friendships. It was only when the relationship failed that I would feel the need, the lonely void to reconnect with my friends that more cases than not moved on to someone deserving of their time and trust. I quit on them, not the other way around.
My life now is centered, of course with its obstacles and challenges. I have my mom, my sister and my extended sisters; wishing I had more time to spend with them. My family is my core, my businesses which give me the opportunity to be with my family, to give them the things they need to grow and flourish, to travel. Then there are my friendships that we come together to bond,to share, to laugh, cry, and see a chick flick. Our families get together whenever our busy schedules allow, knowing the value of the years they have shared since kindergarten now going into middle school.
My sister has taught me the importance of the bond of woman to woman. There are some things only another woman can understand and the strength we can give each other. I have always had the gift of this relationship, I just haven't been appreciative and grateful.
My goal is to share this wealth, woman to woman; personally, and in work. Now my goal come full circle with the most precious new woman in my life, my daughter.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Confession No. 1: Looking Back
My Journey starts here for all intent and purposes. I am digging deep, looking in the mirror, facing my demons, my past, my fears for the first time in years. I am opening myself up, vulnerable to the world, but now open to what comes next.
I have always protected myself, with not following through. Why? Failure was not because of me. Somehow, it was outside forces, not the right time, not enough time, kids should be a little bit older. It was better to stay in the safe world, get a job, collect a check, get my health benefits. Only when I had the strength of my husband, did I move from my comfort zone. I am writing this because I fear I am not alone with this. My journey thus far was necessary as it was the only way to bring me here, right now. If I can help one other person today, I will accomplish reaching out of myself, thinking only of myself and whats in it for me.
I was raised in an upper middle class family, always close to my family. My parents are loving, honest, strong, with excellent work ethics. They are humble to a fault, not deserving of the best. It makes them uncomfortable. But their drive, determination and love for their children is undeniable. We thought small, we kept safe, isolated, anything new, different was feared. As the siblings grew up, so did our geographical zone. One took on the world without fear, going ceaselessly for what he wanted. Another, stayed close going for his dreams in another way, a simpler way, a kind way.
My turn next...my husband says to me that when he met me, he came to a tipping point in his life. He saw the bus, he had a choice to let it pass by or to jump on the bus. He was that bus for me. Hang on!
I have always protected myself, with not following through. Why? Failure was not because of me. Somehow, it was outside forces, not the right time, not enough time, kids should be a little bit older. It was better to stay in the safe world, get a job, collect a check, get my health benefits. Only when I had the strength of my husband, did I move from my comfort zone. I am writing this because I fear I am not alone with this. My journey thus far was necessary as it was the only way to bring me here, right now. If I can help one other person today, I will accomplish reaching out of myself, thinking only of myself and whats in it for me.
I was raised in an upper middle class family, always close to my family. My parents are loving, honest, strong, with excellent work ethics. They are humble to a fault, not deserving of the best. It makes them uncomfortable. But their drive, determination and love for their children is undeniable. We thought small, we kept safe, isolated, anything new, different was feared. As the siblings grew up, so did our geographical zone. One took on the world without fear, going ceaselessly for what he wanted. Another, stayed close going for his dreams in another way, a simpler way, a kind way.
My turn next...my husband says to me that when he met me, he came to a tipping point in his life. He saw the bus, he had a choice to let it pass by or to jump on the bus. He was that bus for me. Hang on!
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