Twenty three years with one person is a journey. You go through the euphoria of a new relationship, the discovery, the passion. I remember the heart beating so fast when I would travel from the west coast to be in his arms again.
I had the strength and the youth to overcome all obstacles of a blended family and the hopes that his children would accept me as family. Life was grand, indulgent and without limits. My life was an adventure, such a change from growing up in Idaho. My man was so different from the boys back home. We traveled, enjoyed cold tecates on the beaches of Mexico, coffee in sidewalk cafes in Paris, discovering places away from the tourists in Italy. Was it always a fun ride, no we had the real side of life reminding us that all was not perfect. His children were going through a rough ride from his divorce. I remained on the outside, not to interfere but to be supportive when he needed me.
Our love became solid, based on common dreams and desires to be together and strong. We worked together, played together, accomplished amazing things because of our strength.
We waited until his youngest was on the way to college before I had my own children. We both decided the complications would cause negative feelings that at a younger age, they were not as emotionally mature to accept and realize their father's love was not something to be divided, but shared.
It took twenty three years to accept that I may never have the relationship with my step kids that I hoped for. I have accepted that fact that the indulgent life style was a way to keep the passion of our younger selves going. This was unnecessary, because the passion was not realized through the lavish way we lived, this just was loading heavy stones in our pack packs, making the journey more difficult to climb. This was layered over our passion, now deeper but still there. My confession is the acceptance that all things are not perfect, and should not be and I can't control what happens, just how I will react to what does happen. This imperfection should be celebrated because this is what the passion of life and its unpredictability. It is the true adventure.
There are those who live in the past, and those that are too busy living the present and creating new memories.
ReplyDeleteAlthough the past is what has brought us to this present and enriched our lives, let me buy a couple of rocking chairs when we cannot longer run and we will talk about the past.
Our love is intense and ever changing... and it only gets better as we go through this journey...